Hallloween Hatin'

A few years ago, I was hanging out at my friend Jim’s Halloween party in Kalamazoo. Much like most late teen / early twenties party, there were a bunch of drunk douchebags and disgusting whores trying to jam their parts into each other like retards slapping their fists into their skulls.

I was definitely no exception. I met a nice respectable woman (Read: disgusting whore) and I used the Juice’s patented line, “Hi, I’m Andy, I have a 7 inch tongue and I can hold my breath for 5 minutes.”

Keep in mind, this is a Halloween party, and I’m dressed up as an urban cowboy, wearing a corduroy suit and a cowboy hat. Oddly, this did not impress her the least bit. For some reason, the simple 'no' or 'fuck you' that I have come to expect from, well, lets say 95% of the girls I try to sleep with was not an option for her.

Instead she decided to tell me that she had a boyfriend, and go into detail about how cool he was because he drove a tricked out Nissan, and made fun of me because I probably drove a Cavalier. At the time I was driving a 99 Corvette Convertible (belvie it playboy- hatin' pays off) but I wasn’t about to split hairs with this fine specimen.

This was also during a time in my life when hatin’ wasn’t a way of life, and the word ‘juice’ meant nothing more to me than a nice supplement to my breakfast.

Much like present day, I get turned down my women more times than Brandon Inge strikes out in a season, so I really paid no attention to it. Then in a twist of fate, my friends Josh, Ryan, and Jim were congregated around each other with a few other people and the whore in question.

I introduced Josh (dressed in scrubs like a doctor, a perennial favorite for him, because he works at a doctors office, and it is the ultimate ‘I don’t give a shit about my costume’) to this girl, and the following interaction occoured:

“Hey this is my friend Josh, he is a doctor… a plastic surgeon. He can fix your face for you.”
[Slight jaw drop] “Whats wrong with my face?”
“Oh….. well….. nothing, I mean if you like it that way”

That short interaction was the closest I have ever come to punching someone with hate, and it was more or less a virtual dick slap, rendering her unconscious.

Nevertheless, she cried like a little whore, like her dad just cancelled her black AMEX card. I think she developed an eating disorder too. But that wont save her from bein ugly.

Naturally, this made me happy. I am an asshole. I am Juicipher.