Stalker Hatin'

Today the student directory at our school came out. It has all of our information, such as a mugshot, email address, postal address, phone number, etc...

Naturally a bunch of self centered bitches are pissed off as hell because all of their personal information is in it, and they think people are going to stalk them. Before I even go on, I have to quote my immediate reaction to this assumption...

"Bitch- you should be happy anyone even talks to you."

Lets run down your stalkable characteristics: 1) your a self absorbed bitch 2) your fat 3) your ugly 4) your annoying. --Yea that sounds like you have a lot to worry about. Perhaps I should mention that the info that is in the student directory was based on a form that we had to fill out and hand into the administrative office, and it explicitly said that your information on the form would go into the student directory.

Maybe I should add a 5th quality- stupid / ignorant (take your pick).

Here is some sound advice for you... unless you realize the world does not revolve around you, get on a treadmill, put on some makeup, shut your fucking mouth and read a book, you have nothing to worry about. Nobody wants to stalk you. If anything, we will reference your picture in the directory to prevent us from firing off a load in some random.

Pyschotic Hate (on me for a change)

This one came out of the blue.

About 1AM last night, my friend... we'll just say her name is Emily for argument's sake calls up. Only it wasn't 'Emily', rather it was her brother.

I could tell he was at a bar, because it was noisy in the background. I was taken back at first, but then I realized who it was. Now I have met this person a few times, and he is actually a straight shooter.

I suppose before I get into the psychotic outrage I need to preface the story. In a drunken stupor, I texted her something along the lines of, "Seriously, I'll fly you out here if you fuck me."
Despite the word seriously, I was only joking, as this was a good friend from college. Keep in mind this text was a few weeks ago.

He confronts me about it and I told him it was just a joke, only to be interrupted by talks about hunting me down and giving me a good beat down. Given the situation, I gave him the benefit of the doubt... that was his little sister, and if I read it I would be pissed too. So I gave up a little slack, only to take it away when he disregarded my apology and explanation of the obvious joke (plus that was the relationship we had, we mess around like that) I even told him I have a girlfriend, and I don't need to fly anyone out here to fuck me. Still no avail. More threats ensued. Eventually his rant got old and I hung up.

See, what upsets me is how people can act like Billy Bad-Ass and make empty threats because they got a few drinks in them, and they are 900 miles away. This isn't a game. Its not 1970 where you can get in a fight and go your separate ways. Fuck the kid's dad is an attorney, you would think he would pick up some shred of intelligence.

So 20 minutes later, I get a text, saying, "This is Mike. If u ever degrading to my sister again you're a dead man."

Yea that totally seems like an appropriate response to what happened. So if for some reason, I die, that is where you should look first. That and Joseph Hazlewood. I took some gin away from him.

Curious to note, however, that he read the text from her phone, witch leads me to believe she showed him. If that's the case, then I'm washing my hands clean from that shit. I need that like Timothy McVeigh's executor needed a power outage.

So I guess I got hated on pretty good. It was an interstate hate too. So congrats.

No Posts Do Not Mean No Hates....

Well its been a solid 2 months with no updates, and for that I apologize.

It seems as if I have entered a noble profession, so I am held to a higher standard of behavior. This may be, but there is still a lot of hate to go around... This is a good hate put on a kid who goes to University of Indiana (who is in the Big Ten), and decided to talk shit about beating WMU (who is in the MAC).

So naturally I had to do some polluting on facebook (because I'm 10): "Ok, Ok.....Lets talk shit about a Big 10 team beating a MAC team... That's about as good as a matchup as watching your dad beat your mom after he has been hanging out with Jack Daniels. Hey have fun being the bitch of the Big 10. Once Indiana goes to a bowl, instead of smoking one, you can talk shit. Mike, shouldn't you be harvesting corn right now?"

Weight Loss Hatin'

I'd like to take this opportunity to hate on all the people I work with that are on a diet, but for what reason or another, have not lost any weight in the 7 months I worked there.

I'm not hatin' because they are overweight, rather thier stupidity when it comes to thier weight loss efforts. Example- I work with someone who pays good money for a membership to SWAT, wakes up early in the morning to go swimming, spinning, and other types of good exercises, and then counts the calories on a box of fucking crackers, saying, "I cant eat this, it has 3g of fat," WHILE FUCKING EATING IT ANYWAY.

The main event is reserved for lunchtime, when they have people deliver (can't even get her ass off of their chair and walk to their car) fast food to her. Hey dip shit... the crackers your eating are fine, but put the fucking Big Mac down!!!

The best part- I get to hear every day about how sore they are from working out, like I should envy the fact your morning workout was more than cancelled out by what you ate for lunch. Seriously, there is a slight corollary to her and Ron Burgundy in Anchorman, "My arm hurts, because I did so many, I don’t know if you heard, but I was up to 1000".

I don't even need to hate on you, because you are hatin' on yourself. You spend at least $30 a month in a gym membership, at least $100 a month in fast food, and you sacrifice over 20 hours of sleep a month just so you can keep your molded pear shape. It is no wonder you can't manage a team, you can't even manage your weight.
Honestly….. here is the rundown of the meals by my boss this week for lunch
McDonalds- Monday
Arby’s- Tuesday
Taco Bell- Wednesday

And when someone calls her out, she has to say that her job is so demanding that she doesn't have time to get a good meal, as if subway is a fort night away. I translate that excuse as "I'm not good at my job, that's why I cant get shit done, that is why I have no time. If you in question are reading this, I really hope your tears fill you up so you wont have to make your employee's deliver you nasty food that will in turn stink up our workspace.

Tramp Stamp Hatin'

Oh you have a tatoo on your back.... cool. oh and it's some pink stars and shit. I've never seen that on the small of a persons back. Thats very original.....

You Pissed On My Floor....

Taken from craigslist this afternoon...

So I know things weren't going well. I tried to break up nicely a lot of times. I really didn't want to hurt you, but neither of us were happy. We were both miserable in fact. I'm sorry it didn't work out. It would have been lovely if we had both fallen madly and passionately in love- but we didn't. It needed to end. All of that, however doesn't explain why YOU PISSED ON MY FLOOR and then you left.

I called to see if you had somehow slipped. I was hoping there was an explanation. You hung up on me. I'm pretty sure that means you deliberately PISSED ON MY FLOOR i don't even know what to say to that. I don't know what to think. I'm not sure I can protect your dignity anymore.

I need to tell everyone, because it's so fucking crazy. YOU PISSED ON MY FLOOR. I have a new rule in my apartment now. Its the NO PISSING ON THE FLOOR RULE. it goes like this- DON'T PISS ON MY FUCKING FLOOR. thanks for a good laugh though. It's so much better than the cliche shit that ends way too many relationships.

I'm sure the next time I break up with someone, I'll be saying AT LEAST HE DIDNT PISS ON MY FLOOR.

Craigslist Hatin' Part 1

So I was talking to my Friend Ryan, who was lookin to lock up with some dirty ass in NY. He was on craigslist, and saw a person who was willing to do 'anything' for an iPhone. This girl was nice enough to post pictures of her double d tits and say as long as your not psycho you can do anything to her for an hour for a phone. That's special. So that got me to looking at some other people's profile.

I started to notice a trend.

All the fat people posting personal ads make sure they put, 'must be attractive' or 'must be in shape'. Bitches, you are on the bottom of the fucking dating food chain by trying to get ass on the net, and your fat as fuck. How dare you ask for your partner to be anything. Your ad should read, I'm fat, ill take what I can get.

There should be some kind of option on these sites where you have to get your weight verified by a notary and you can filter based on exact weight.

And to the girls out there who try to look smart by writing their trailer trash, only to look up every other word on the thesaurus, transforming, "I just want to find a rich guy who will fuck me and spend all his money on me, and ill occasionally make the bed (that I slept in)" to, "I'm looking for a refined gentleman, with class and poise that knows how to spoil his companion and make a girl feel important, and in return I will cater to all your desires," let me just say FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. You are a whore, and you are just looking for a sugar daddy.

In my book, honesty is the best policy. I would rather you say that you are gold digger looking for an expensive meal, valet service and to cream some 600 thread sheets than to lie to me. At least that way I can plan the dine and dash before we get to the restaurant.