Weight Loss Hatin'

I'd like to take this opportunity to hate on all the people I work with that are on a diet, but for what reason or another, have not lost any weight in the 7 months I worked there.

I'm not hatin' because they are overweight, rather thier stupidity when it comes to thier weight loss efforts. Example- I work with someone who pays good money for a membership to SWAT, wakes up early in the morning to go swimming, spinning, and other types of good exercises, and then counts the calories on a box of fucking crackers, saying, "I cant eat this, it has 3g of fat," WHILE FUCKING EATING IT ANYWAY.

The main event is reserved for lunchtime, when they have people deliver (can't even get her ass off of their chair and walk to their car) fast food to her. Hey dip shit... the crackers your eating are fine, but put the fucking Big Mac down!!!

The best part- I get to hear every day about how sore they are from working out, like I should envy the fact your morning workout was more than cancelled out by what you ate for lunch. Seriously, there is a slight corollary to her and Ron Burgundy in Anchorman, "My arm hurts, because I did so many, I don’t know if you heard, but I was up to 1000".

I don't even need to hate on you, because you are hatin' on yourself. You spend at least $30 a month in a gym membership, at least $100 a month in fast food, and you sacrifice over 20 hours of sleep a month just so you can keep your molded pear shape. It is no wonder you can't manage a team, you can't even manage your weight.
Honestly….. here is the rundown of the meals by my boss this week for lunch
McDonalds- Monday
Arby’s- Tuesday
Taco Bell- Wednesday

And when someone calls her out, she has to say that her job is so demanding that she doesn't have time to get a good meal, as if subway is a fort night away. I translate that excuse as "I'm not good at my job, that's why I cant get shit done, that is why I have no time. If you in question are reading this, I really hope your tears fill you up so you wont have to make your employee's deliver you nasty food that will in turn stink up our workspace.

Tramp Stamp Hatin'

Oh you have a tatoo on your back.... cool. oh and it's some pink stars and shit. I've never seen that on the small of a persons back. Thats very original.....

You Pissed On My Floor....

Taken from craigslist this afternoon...

So I know things weren't going well. I tried to break up nicely a lot of times. I really didn't want to hurt you, but neither of us were happy. We were both miserable in fact. I'm sorry it didn't work out. It would have been lovely if we had both fallen madly and passionately in love- but we didn't. It needed to end. All of that, however doesn't explain why YOU PISSED ON MY FLOOR and then you left.

I called to see if you had somehow slipped. I was hoping there was an explanation. You hung up on me. I'm pretty sure that means you deliberately PISSED ON MY FLOOR i don't even know what to say to that. I don't know what to think. I'm not sure I can protect your dignity anymore.

I need to tell everyone, because it's so fucking crazy. YOU PISSED ON MY FLOOR. I have a new rule in my apartment now. Its the NO PISSING ON THE FLOOR RULE. it goes like this- DON'T PISS ON MY FUCKING FLOOR. thanks for a good laugh though. It's so much better than the cliche shit that ends way too many relationships.

I'm sure the next time I break up with someone, I'll be saying AT LEAST HE DIDNT PISS ON MY FLOOR.

Craigslist Hatin' Part 1

So I was talking to my Friend Ryan, who was lookin to lock up with some dirty ass in NY. He was on craigslist, and saw a person who was willing to do 'anything' for an iPhone. This girl was nice enough to post pictures of her double d tits and say as long as your not psycho you can do anything to her for an hour for a phone. That's special. So that got me to looking at some other people's profile.

I started to notice a trend.

All the fat people posting personal ads make sure they put, 'must be attractive' or 'must be in shape'. Bitches, you are on the bottom of the fucking dating food chain by trying to get ass on the net, and your fat as fuck. How dare you ask for your partner to be anything. Your ad should read, I'm fat, ill take what I can get.

There should be some kind of option on these sites where you have to get your weight verified by a notary and you can filter based on exact weight.

And to the girls out there who try to look smart by writing their trailer trash, only to look up every other word on the thesaurus, transforming, "I just want to find a rich guy who will fuck me and spend all his money on me, and ill occasionally make the bed (that I slept in)" to, "I'm looking for a refined gentleman, with class and poise that knows how to spoil his companion and make a girl feel important, and in return I will cater to all your desires," let me just say FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. You are a whore, and you are just looking for a sugar daddy.

In my book, honesty is the best policy. I would rather you say that you are gold digger looking for an expensive meal, valet service and to cream some 600 thread sheets than to lie to me. At least that way I can plan the dine and dash before we get to the restaurant.

Lack of Hate

Its been a solid week without any legitimate hatin'. I dont know what to tell you. I think on off-hate weeks I will just have to cultivate some old hatin' stories.

The best hate I have today is when some welfare rat i work with tried to tell me where to go and how to get there. Here is the conversation. I realize it't not the best, but its the best I have.

I hated on a co-worker by telling outing her in front of everyone else by saying:

"Im pretty sure this has always been the case since day one. Perhaps paying attention would pan out for you."

That sparked an email debate with her disgusting whore freind coming to her defene. We will just call her hofosho.

[hofosho] Maybe if you could take a second and read her email…..I am pretty sure that she is not indicating that she was under the impression that we needed them for all accounts. It sounds more like she is simply stating, for those who may have some confusion, if the account is over 90 days then we don’t need them. Maybe before jumping the gun and questioning her intelligence it would pay to read things more thoroughly.

[me] Im sorry? I don’t speak spanish

[hofosho] What’s the matter you can dish it out, but you cant take it back?

[me] Dish it, I got plenty of Tupperware.

[hofosho] I just think that the comment you made was kind of pointless, she never said or implied that she didn’t know that, you just assumed and sent some smart ass reply back that made no sense. So in the end instead of making her look stupid, you just made yourself look stupid. That’s all. Don’t take offense to it please, I don’t mean it that way. But if you can send out remarks like that about other people then you should be able to take it back.

[me] Thanks for the coaching

[hofosho] If that’s how you want to take it

[me] perhaps instead of talkin c-game trash, you should do something more productive, how about going to save-a-lot and getting your diapers off of layway.

Sellout Hatin'

A few nights ago, a group of 21 year olds came into the bar, ready to get their drink on. The last one in line, was wearing that stupid style cowboy hat worn by K-fed and other douchebags throughout the country. His ID was definitely fake, but it was convincing, so I let it slide.

After they all left, one member in the group (a cop, because I saw his badge) told me, “Hey, I saw you giving him a hard time, and I just wanted to let you know your intuition was right, he is underage… and I just wanted to let you know, since I'm a cop, but I really don’t care, I just think the dude is a douchebag.”

Upset at myself for not taking the opportunity to hate on him, so I asked what his name was, and then ran out to the parking lot where he was, and said, “Look, Dan, I know your name, give me your ID.”

Sticking to his guns, he said I was wrong, and went into confrontational mode.

I then said, “There are two ways this goes down, 1. I get the cops out here and arrest you, (obviously not true) or you can give me your ID and we can be done with the whole thing right now.

He gave me his id, and then screeched out of the parking lot. A smarter person would have just taken off and denied everything. Alas, it was a good hate, but left me wondering, who hated on him more, me for taking the ID, or his ‘friend’ who sold him out?

Registration Hatin'

My friend Josh is working at a hospital, registering patients, when one of his coworkers husband comes in for an appointment.

The woman jokes with the other girls in the office and says, 'He is here because he has erectile dysfunction.'

Upon hearing this, Josh's response, 'I would too, if i was married to you.'

It wouldn't have been bad if he was part of the conversation, rather he just butted in hate on her.