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Username: jucipher
Monday, June 8, 2009
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Hate of Epic Proportions...
The most prolific hate happened to me this weekend, and it's one hell of a tale. It all started about six months ago when I attempted to find a date for my brothers wedding. I really just wanted to fire off a few loads in some local, so I placed an ad on craigslist trying to do just that.
Not to my surprise, I received a large amount of responses from what we would call trolls up here. This was a devastating blow to my own self esteem. It reflected poorly on myself that the best I could do was these girls who are in my DQ category (deuce and a quarter, figure it out). It is surprising how people with no teeth can still be overweight. However, there were two diamonds in the ruff that fell above the hot-crazy line.*
Not only were these girls good looking, my preliminary "interview" indicated they would both be DTF. I kept close contact with both girls, and like a presidential primary, one rose to the front of the pack. Lets just call the front runner "College Undergrad Needing Tenderness" or CUNT for short. CUNT flaked out right before the wedding, which is another story all in itself. However the real story here is for the first runner up, who I will call Texas Woman And Tot (she had a kid) or TWAT. Just to make sure everyone is on the same page, we are talking about TWAT and not CUNT.
Since CUNT bailed on me, it didn't really give me a chance to get TWAT to come to the wedding, however, she was in the same city that we were staying in. The night of the wedding she was at a bar that was on the way home, but my two good friends cock-blocked me and said they wanted to go home so they could test the screws in the bed frame. At this point I would like to give a special 'fuck you' to those two involved. You know who you are.
Lets be clear. TWAT wanted D in the A, this was clear from the beginning, and I had arranged to pick her up from the bar, but I ended up falling asleep and she eventually drove home with her friends.
Despite this missed opportunity, I stayed in close contact with TWAT and didn't fall under the "Stacy Mendoza diagonal". I was doing my thing where I talk mad shit until they need to take some pledge to their wooden seats... I eventually cashed in some frequent flyer miles, and the next thing you know she was bound for NYC.
This is where the real story begins, and most of it is supplemented by a series of text messages that coincide with the narration.
The day is November 6, the day before she is supposed to fly out. She claimed that she was feeling a little sick, but stated "Hopefully I'm better [tommorrow]. I'm coming no matter what, you will just have to deal with me being sick." This was a minor setback, and all I could think of was having to empty out puke buckets while giving this girl the reverse 180 sandpiper.
November 7 rolls around, and she is on the road to San Antonio (from Corpus Christi). All is well. Then she indicates to me that her flight is late, and she wont be on time. I verified the information. All is well. A few hours later, she texts me from Houston, indicating that the flight to NYC is now delayed. I verified this information. All is well. The plane was supposed to land at 6:00, but ended up being delayed until 6:40. I got in my car at 5pm, and ran into one of the most epic traffic jams on 495, making my 40 minute drive to LGA close to two hours.
I sent out a text at 6:55, "Hello." Nothing. 7:30, Hello... Anything." Nothing. Then I pull out of
the parking area (so I wouldn't get murdered by some 60-year old woman who got out of her car, and got in my face because I took her spot).
At 7:30 I received a text from her. "where are you, my phone is about to die," leading me to believe that she was indeed at LGA. I responded by telling her that I had to go across the street, but I would be there in less than five minutes. No response.
7:40 Here
7:42 I'm under the Spirit Air Sign
8:21 ?Que
8:22 Are you here, whats going on?
8:39 I cant get through on your phone, I'm not getting any calls or texts if your trying
At this point I think that her phone is dead, and she has no idea where I am, so I left a message on her voicemail with my phone number, so she could get in contact with me. I continued to wait, and 9pm rolls around. Nothing. I make phone calls every 10 minutes.
9:27 I have no idea where you could be I have been in the same spot since 745"930 "Dude, I cant wait here all night, I'm gonna leave at 10
Despite being a complete jackass and the worst person in the world when it comes to women, I didn't really have the balls to leave the airport at 10 as threatened. In reality, I didn't want to get home and have to make that drive back again. I left at 10:05.
10:05 I'm going back home, my phone is almost dead call me when you can it's an hour drive
10:21 Where are you
10:33 Seriously, WTF is going on
At this point I called her phone, and it rang differently, meaning I was probably sent to voicemail, meaning her phone wasn't dead, meaning I was thinking WTF.
11:13 Are you sending me to voicemail, I'm starting to get pissed"1115 "Are you serious right now
Now I am just flat out pissed. Where the fuck is TWAT. The following texts may make me look like a stalker, but I was furious, and wanted to know what was going on.
11:32 I don't know what to tell you right now
11:33 What
11:34 The
11:35 Fuck
12:43 WHERE ARE YOU!!!!
12:44 Are you alive
1:18 Doooode
1:19 Hello
1:20 What the fuck
2:35 Hello
2:36 Not cool
2:37 There is no reason why you couldn't have called
2:38 I'm gonna call the police to make sure you are OK
It was at this point, I thought she was full of shit, so that was why I said "I'm gonna call the police" In reality, the whole logistics of calling them and explaining what was going on seemed to taxing on me at 3am, so I said fuck it. These problems usually fix themselves. I was just a little pissed that I had invested a whole Friday chasing TWAT around.
The sun comes up. Despite the fact that I had potentially caused a single mother to come to the biggest US, and she is potentially in the process of being raped and murdered, I slept pretty well. I started using fabric softener for my sheets, I think that made the difference.
I realized that I had some work to do so I got on the horn, and sent out some more text messages pretty much reciting the same sequence again. No beans. Then alas, at 10:10, I get a message "This phone has been turned into the airport lost and found. Please contact the owner if possible."
Seemed pretty legit, so I didn't question it. "Thank you," I said, "I don't know how to contact her, she is visiting me, her name is [TWAT] if that helps you."
"Do you have any Idea where she is staying? I am not really supposed to make any contact from the phone but I saw that you were trying to contact her a lot so I felt bad for you. I will hold it here."
I gave the cell phone a rest now... It was clear that it would not prove fruitful. But I did feel pretty shitty so I did contact the port authority for advice, who in turn gave me the airlines phone number. I couldn't get through for several hours, because I ended up having the wrong number. SO in the meantime, I got on facebook, looked up TWAT's friend and sent her a message to see if I could get any corroboration with the story. Apparently I got her sister (or close friend, I have no idea really). She had no idea WTF was going on, and was very apprehensive about what was going on. She was completely in the dark in her response, so I filled her in.
Eventually I got ahold of the airline, and the wall started to come down. The person on the phone told me that TWAT never went from Houston to NYC. Furthermore, she never got on the plane in SAT. So now I am furious. What is going on, the airport has the phone, but the airline says the person never got on. Something is fishy. I put in all the chips, and told her sister that I was filing a missing person report, and that the NYPD and port authority were canvassing the area looking for her.
Moments later, I get a call from a random number, that was the same area code as TWAT. No answer. Then I called the number back, and it was a dude named Mark, who "dialed the wrong number." Bullshit. I text TWAT's phone, "Why would mark call me with the same area code as you and then say wrong number?"
Then it really came down. "Look she is fine, she doesn't want to talk to you, leave her alone and stop bothering her friends."
I was stunned, not what I was expecting. I was thinking Ashton Kutcher was gonna come around the corner and tell me I was punk'd
10 minutes later, that strange number with the same area code as TWAT calls again, turns out it was her sister. She was inquisitive to say the least, and was treating me like I was a stalker, to which point I had to flip the script on her interrogation. My ass wasn't on trial here... There was no way that after the last 24 hours I was gonna be put on the stand.
Turns out that TWAT really is a twat. She is a compulsive liar, and told her sister that she had a conference in NYC, but then it got moved to Austin, and was constantly going deeper and deeper in the lie. This is nothing new for this girl though. Ironically, her sister warms up very fast to me, and even offered to buy me a drink, (and eventually dinner) next time I am in TX.
Needless to say, this was the biggest hate of all time on me. I had to respect the level of hate levied my way. I had to recoup, so I called her a few hours later. Instead of being a complete asscock like I should have, I was very "sympathetic". Long story short, she felt bad for "chickening out" and stated that her sister is not to be trusted, and that she always steals men away from her (funny that's what her sister said about her). She ended up writing a check for $350, the cost of the ticket (0r so I told her).
I guess that's what you get for trying to hook up on craigslist.
*I suppose it is worthy of explaining the hot-crazy line. A girl is permitted to be crazy, as long as she is equally hot. There is a positive one-to-one correlation for this, representing a straight upward line (called the Stacy Mendoza diagonal). If a girl is not that hot, she isn't permitted to be that crazy. However, a girl who is remarkably gorgeous, is permitted to be off the reservation.
Not to my surprise, I received a large amount of responses from what we would call trolls up here. This was a devastating blow to my own self esteem. It reflected poorly on myself that the best I could do was these girls who are in my DQ category (deuce and a quarter, figure it out). It is surprising how people with no teeth can still be overweight. However, there were two diamonds in the ruff that fell above the hot-crazy line.*
Not only were these girls good looking, my preliminary "interview" indicated they would both be DTF. I kept close contact with both girls, and like a presidential primary, one rose to the front of the pack. Lets just call the front runner "College Undergrad Needing Tenderness" or CUNT for short. CUNT flaked out right before the wedding, which is another story all in itself. However the real story here is for the first runner up, who I will call Texas Woman And Tot (she had a kid) or TWAT. Just to make sure everyone is on the same page, we are talking about TWAT and not CUNT.
Since CUNT bailed on me, it didn't really give me a chance to get TWAT to come to the wedding, however, she was in the same city that we were staying in. The night of the wedding she was at a bar that was on the way home, but my two good friends cock-blocked me and said they wanted to go home so they could test the screws in the bed frame. At this point I would like to give a special 'fuck you' to those two involved. You know who you are.
Lets be clear. TWAT wanted D in the A, this was clear from the beginning, and I had arranged to pick her up from the bar, but I ended up falling asleep and she eventually drove home with her friends.
Despite this missed opportunity, I stayed in close contact with TWAT and didn't fall under the "Stacy Mendoza diagonal". I was doing my thing where I talk mad shit until they need to take some pledge to their wooden seats... I eventually cashed in some frequent flyer miles, and the next thing you know she was bound for NYC.
This is where the real story begins, and most of it is supplemented by a series of text messages that coincide with the narration.
The day is November 6, the day before she is supposed to fly out. She claimed that she was feeling a little sick, but stated "Hopefully I'm better [tommorrow]. I'm coming no matter what, you will just have to deal with me being sick." This was a minor setback, and all I could think of was having to empty out puke buckets while giving this girl the reverse 180 sandpiper.
November 7 rolls around, and she is on the road to San Antonio (from Corpus Christi). All is well. Then she indicates to me that her flight is late, and she wont be on time. I verified the information. All is well. A few hours later, she texts me from Houston, indicating that the flight to NYC is now delayed. I verified this information. All is well. The plane was supposed to land at 6:00, but ended up being delayed until 6:40. I got in my car at 5pm, and ran into one of the most epic traffic jams on 495, making my 40 minute drive to LGA close to two hours.
I sent out a text at 6:55, "Hello." Nothing. 7:30, Hello... Anything." Nothing. Then I pull out of
the parking area (so I wouldn't get murdered by some 60-year old woman who got out of her car, and got in my face because I took her spot).
At 7:30 I received a text from her. "where are you, my phone is about to die," leading me to believe that she was indeed at LGA. I responded by telling her that I had to go across the street, but I would be there in less than five minutes. No response.
7:40 Here
7:42 I'm under the Spirit Air Sign
8:21 ?Que
8:22 Are you here, whats going on?
8:39 I cant get through on your phone, I'm not getting any calls or texts if your trying
At this point I think that her phone is dead, and she has no idea where I am, so I left a message on her voicemail with my phone number, so she could get in contact with me. I continued to wait, and 9pm rolls around. Nothing. I make phone calls every 10 minutes.
9:27 I have no idea where you could be I have been in the same spot since 745"930 "Dude, I cant wait here all night, I'm gonna leave at 10
Despite being a complete jackass and the worst person in the world when it comes to women, I didn't really have the balls to leave the airport at 10 as threatened. In reality, I didn't want to get home and have to make that drive back again. I left at 10:05.
10:05 I'm going back home, my phone is almost dead call me when you can it's an hour drive
10:21 Where are you
10:33 Seriously, WTF is going on
At this point I called her phone, and it rang differently, meaning I was probably sent to voicemail, meaning her phone wasn't dead, meaning I was thinking WTF.
11:13 Are you sending me to voicemail, I'm starting to get pissed"1115 "Are you serious right now
Now I am just flat out pissed. Where the fuck is TWAT. The following texts may make me look like a stalker, but I was furious, and wanted to know what was going on.
11:32 I don't know what to tell you right now
11:33 What
11:34 The
11:35 Fuck
12:43 WHERE ARE YOU!!!!
12:44 Are you alive
1:18 Doooode
1:19 Hello
1:20 What the fuck
2:35 Hello
2:36 Not cool
2:37 There is no reason why you couldn't have called
2:38 I'm gonna call the police to make sure you are OK
It was at this point, I thought she was full of shit, so that was why I said "I'm gonna call the police" In reality, the whole logistics of calling them and explaining what was going on seemed to taxing on me at 3am, so I said fuck it. These problems usually fix themselves. I was just a little pissed that I had invested a whole Friday chasing TWAT around.
The sun comes up. Despite the fact that I had potentially caused a single mother to come to the biggest US, and she is potentially in the process of being raped and murdered, I slept pretty well. I started using fabric softener for my sheets, I think that made the difference.
I realized that I had some work to do so I got on the horn, and sent out some more text messages pretty much reciting the same sequence again. No beans. Then alas, at 10:10, I get a message "This phone has been turned into the airport lost and found. Please contact the owner if possible."
Seemed pretty legit, so I didn't question it. "Thank you," I said, "I don't know how to contact her, she is visiting me, her name is [TWAT] if that helps you."
"Do you have any Idea where she is staying? I am not really supposed to make any contact from the phone but I saw that you were trying to contact her a lot so I felt bad for you. I will hold it here."
I gave the cell phone a rest now... It was clear that it would not prove fruitful. But I did feel pretty shitty so I did contact the port authority for advice, who in turn gave me the airlines phone number. I couldn't get through for several hours, because I ended up having the wrong number. SO in the meantime, I got on facebook, looked up TWAT's friend and sent her a message to see if I could get any corroboration with the story. Apparently I got her sister (or close friend, I have no idea really). She had no idea WTF was going on, and was very apprehensive about what was going on. She was completely in the dark in her response, so I filled her in.
Eventually I got ahold of the airline, and the wall started to come down. The person on the phone told me that TWAT never went from Houston to NYC. Furthermore, she never got on the plane in SAT. So now I am furious. What is going on, the airport has the phone, but the airline says the person never got on. Something is fishy. I put in all the chips, and told her sister that I was filing a missing person report, and that the NYPD and port authority were canvassing the area looking for her.
Moments later, I get a call from a random number, that was the same area code as TWAT. No answer. Then I called the number back, and it was a dude named Mark, who "dialed the wrong number." Bullshit. I text TWAT's phone, "Why would mark call me with the same area code as you and then say wrong number?"
Then it really came down. "Look she is fine, she doesn't want to talk to you, leave her alone and stop bothering her friends."
I was stunned, not what I was expecting. I was thinking Ashton Kutcher was gonna come around the corner and tell me I was punk'd
10 minutes later, that strange number with the same area code as TWAT calls again, turns out it was her sister. She was inquisitive to say the least, and was treating me like I was a stalker, to which point I had to flip the script on her interrogation. My ass wasn't on trial here... There was no way that after the last 24 hours I was gonna be put on the stand.
Turns out that TWAT really is a twat. She is a compulsive liar, and told her sister that she had a conference in NYC, but then it got moved to Austin, and was constantly going deeper and deeper in the lie. This is nothing new for this girl though. Ironically, her sister warms up very fast to me, and even offered to buy me a drink, (and eventually dinner) next time I am in TX.
Needless to say, this was the biggest hate of all time on me. I had to respect the level of hate levied my way. I had to recoup, so I called her a few hours later. Instead of being a complete asscock like I should have, I was very "sympathetic". Long story short, she felt bad for "chickening out" and stated that her sister is not to be trusted, and that she always steals men away from her (funny that's what her sister said about her). She ended up writing a check for $350, the cost of the ticket (0r so I told her).
I guess that's what you get for trying to hook up on craigslist.
*I suppose it is worthy of explaining the hot-crazy line. A girl is permitted to be crazy, as long as she is equally hot. There is a positive one-to-one correlation for this, representing a straight upward line (called the Stacy Mendoza diagonal). If a girl is not that hot, she isn't permitted to be that crazy. However, a girl who is remarkably gorgeous, is permitted to be off the reservation.
Saturday, October 4, 2008
Government Bailout - YES to Inflation!
Who said inflation is bad. With this new government bailout package, the reserve is going to print more money thus devaluing the already devalued dollar.
The good news -- im up to my asshole in debt, and all of that debt is at fixed levels. So my debt of 120k is at todays dollars, when I repay it, it will be worth substantially less. The banks are going to get fucked even harder than they already are!
Yay to inflation!
The good news -- im up to my asshole in debt, and all of that debt is at fixed levels. So my debt of 120k is at todays dollars, when I repay it, it will be worth substantially less. The banks are going to get fucked even harder than they already are!
Yay to inflation!
Some clarification
Just because our society is getting fatter and fatter by the day, this does not mean we have to lax our standards on what constitutes as fat.
Just for the record.
Skinny = Underweight, under the normal weight you should be.
Average = within a few (3) lbs. of what the normal weight should be. (when I say normal weight, its what BMI index is, not what you think 'normal' is.
A few extra lbs. = just what it says "A few extra lbs"!!! This means 3-5 lbs over what the average is. I would even go high as 8, but we are definitely not talking double digits here.
Curvy = A few extra lbs, but in the right places. Vague, yes, but still should not be abused. For example, if you say you are curvy, you cant have FUPA (look it up) When you hold your arm out, the fat that droops down should not have the same tangent of a 12 lb. bowling ball.
I hope this clears the record for a lot of people out there. Curvy = Curvy, not round.
Just for the record.
Skinny = Underweight, under the normal weight you should be.
Average = within a few (3) lbs. of what the normal weight should be. (when I say normal weight, its what BMI index is, not what you think 'normal' is.
A few extra lbs. = just what it says "A few extra lbs"!!! This means 3-5 lbs over what the average is. I would even go high as 8, but we are definitely not talking double digits here.
Curvy = A few extra lbs, but in the right places. Vague, yes, but still should not be abused. For example, if you say you are curvy, you cant have FUPA (look it up) When you hold your arm out, the fat that droops down should not have the same tangent of a 12 lb. bowling ball.
I hope this clears the record for a lot of people out there. Curvy = Curvy, not round.
Standing in the 10 item or less line at Target.
Here I sit, in line at target. I have some hi liters for school and some treats for the dog. Some lady is in front of me, with about 40 items. Normally that in itself would piss me off, but this was a special occasion. After about the fifth item, she would ask "how much does this cost" as she gave it to the cashier. "12.99," she would say... "I dont want that," the customer would retort. This went on for about five minutes. I wanted to pull up a chair.
The worst part was the eight-year-old kid who saw all of his school clothes go by the wayside because his deadbeat parents broke the bank by buying the blue-ray version of 'Soul Plane'.
The moment of redemption-- The cashier, literally said hold on, walked to a different checkout counter, turned on the light, and checked me out, and then went back to this person. I think deep down inside she wanted to beat that woman with a Toblerone bar.
This is why I vote Republican.
The worst part was the eight-year-old kid who saw all of his school clothes go by the wayside because his deadbeat parents broke the bank by buying the blue-ray version of 'Soul Plane'.
The moment of redemption-- The cashier, literally said hold on, walked to a different checkout counter, turned on the light, and checked me out, and then went back to this person. I think deep down inside she wanted to beat that woman with a Toblerone bar.
This is why I vote Republican.
Monday, June 2, 2008
Best of craigslist today
Just got my stimulus check. I want to:
1. Take you out to dinner
2. Screw you all night
(doesnt have to be in that order) Will give pictures upon receiving yours. dont be spam or have the hep.
Im pretty sure GWB would be fine with this....
1. Take you out to dinner
2. Screw you all night
(doesnt have to be in that order) Will give pictures upon receiving yours. dont be spam or have the hep.
Im pretty sure GWB would be fine with this....
Sunday, May 18, 2008
My Fetish
An old disgusting Ex: Whatever, you know you always come back begging for me
ME: Oh yea thats right, I forgot about my fetish of cigarette stained fingers and cellulite. My bad.
ME: Oh yea thats right, I forgot about my fetish of cigarette stained fingers and cellulite. My bad.
More Craigslist Hatin
Just a note to girls on craigslist who say that guys are assholes, and they are looking for a man who is honest, and then only include headshots of themselves becasue if they fell down it would take two people from the Best Buy appliance department to move you becuase your so huge... go fuck yourself.
Thursday, November 22, 2007
Follow-up Hat'n
A few months some dip-shit from Indiana posted something talking shit about WMU's football team losing to IU. Out of the blue I get this message from this card carrying douchebag:
Hey Andrew- Congrats on a fantastic season- See you at a bowl game..........Oh wait your team was the bitch of your league while mine is heading to a post season so go fuck youself my friend because while you are #1 wrong about guessing how Indiana will end up in their division-and #2 you supported the wrong team once again. Soooooo. Have a happy Thanksgiving knowing that you should be thankful that I never will meet you at a bar because I never socialize the ugly rundown townie bars that you might visit because I'm of a higher class than you will ever be of. Never ever ever ever send me another message telling me to check how stupid you are because you are so stupid, ugly, and will amount to the person who collect my garbage you stupid piece of shit.... I'm glad my garbage will be handled by a loser like yourself.Have a great time knowing you were the bitch of your league,Mike MacDonald (my team still has something to play for)
MY RESPONSE:
Actually, my team is MSU.
Nevertheless, when I'm out of law school ill be glad to represent you when you get dragged into court for beating you wife.
Just because your dad did it does not make it ok.
cheers
---
Some people take stuff too seriously.... above I just wanted to type this statment again, becuase it is soooo classy:
Never ever ever ever send me another message telling me to check how stupid you are because you are so stupid, ugly, and will amount to the person who collect my garbage you stupid piece of shit.... I'm glad my garbage will be handled by a loser like yourself.
Hey Andrew- Congrats on a fantastic season- See you at a bowl game..........Oh wait your team was the bitch of your league while mine is heading to a post season so go fuck youself my friend because while you are #1 wrong about guessing how Indiana will end up in their division-and #2 you supported the wrong team once again. Soooooo. Have a happy Thanksgiving knowing that you should be thankful that I never will meet you at a bar because I never socialize the ugly rundown townie bars that you might visit because I'm of a higher class than you will ever be of. Never ever ever ever send me another message telling me to check how stupid you are because you are so stupid, ugly, and will amount to the person who collect my garbage you stupid piece of shit.... I'm glad my garbage will be handled by a loser like yourself.Have a great time knowing you were the bitch of your league,Mike MacDonald (my team still has something to play for)
MY RESPONSE:
Actually, my team is MSU.
Nevertheless, when I'm out of law school ill be glad to represent you when you get dragged into court for beating you wife.
Just because your dad did it does not make it ok.
cheers
---
Some people take stuff too seriously.... above I just wanted to type this statment again, becuase it is soooo classy:
Never ever ever ever send me another message telling me to check how stupid you are because you are so stupid, ugly, and will amount to the person who collect my garbage you stupid piece of shit.... I'm glad my garbage will be handled by a loser like yourself.
Sunday, November 11, 2007
Law School Hatn'
As a good warm up to the pissing in the dishwasher story, here is a quickie.
Sitting in class, there is a certain fear about getting called on. Law school is very intimidating at times, and when your asked a question, and you have no idea what the answer is, a slight panic sets in.
This very thing happened with a person I sit next to, and for reasons not worth blessing with you with, we don't see eye to eye. Regardless, she was called on in class, and doing pretty good, I will give her that.
But then she was asked something she did not know, so I decided to help her out. I murmured the answer under my breath just loud enough for her to hear it, in which she relayed it back to the teacher, who frowned, and said no.
Naturally, I raised my hand and gave the teacher the right answer.
Lesson learned, don't believe everything you hear....
Sitting in class, there is a certain fear about getting called on. Law school is very intimidating at times, and when your asked a question, and you have no idea what the answer is, a slight panic sets in.
This very thing happened with a person I sit next to, and for reasons not worth blessing with you with, we don't see eye to eye. Regardless, she was called on in class, and doing pretty good, I will give her that.
But then she was asked something she did not know, so I decided to help her out. I murmured the answer under my breath just loud enough for her to hear it, in which she relayed it back to the teacher, who frowned, and said no.
Naturally, I raised my hand and gave the teacher the right answer.
Lesson learned, don't believe everything you hear....
Your Dishes Are Done...
Back when I lived in Kalamazoo, I did a lot of stupid stuff... well, I guess it just depends on what type of person you are. Take the following story for example...
It was a long night of boozing, and for some reason I ended up back at this girls apartment. The reason I say "for some reason" is that im 99% sure that I didn't hang out with this girl at all, the entire night.
The events leading up to it, such as where I was prior, how I got there, or even how I got home, are still a little hazy... But what I do vaguely recall, is workin' my way into her gully hole. I wouldn't call this girl a slut, but let's just say that it didnt take much time for me to get in pole position, but that is not the point of the story.
After my 3 hour clinic of having biblical relations (or a drunken, sloppy, five minutes of playing jump rope with her vagine), I paid her and left.
No seriously, after it was done, I really had to take a piss. I really, really, really, had to take a piss. Now if your a woman reading this right now, well number one, you cant respect the inability a man has when trytin' got take piss when his cock is in the towel rack position. Regardless, its hard to do, you get the picture. But of course, the girl went to the bathroom, because that's what they do after sex. So here I am, with my hand on my cock, trying to hold in one of the most epic pisses in my life.
Then it dawns on me... I can just go in the sink. Brilliant. So all I had to do is go to the kitchen and do my thing. Unfortunately, the logistics were flawed from the beginning. The counter is about level with my rod, so I had to go tippy-toe in order to get into firing position.
Talk about a feat of strengths... pissing with an erection alone is almost difficult- pissing with an erection on your tippy-toes is harder than Iron Man's erection.
So naturally the proverbial light goes off above my head, and I look down at the dishwasher. This was almost more convenient than a urinal. I opened the door, and let loose. By the time I heard her flush I was just about done... I closed the door and I was on my way. Maybe I should have set the dial to regular wash, since I already did the pre-wash cycle.....
It was a long night of boozing, and for some reason I ended up back at this girls apartment. The reason I say "for some reason" is that im 99% sure that I didn't hang out with this girl at all, the entire night.
The events leading up to it, such as where I was prior, how I got there, or even how I got home, are still a little hazy... But what I do vaguely recall, is workin' my way into her gully hole. I wouldn't call this girl a slut, but let's just say that it didnt take much time for me to get in pole position, but that is not the point of the story.
After my 3 hour clinic of having biblical relations (or a drunken, sloppy, five minutes of playing jump rope with her vagine), I paid her and left.
No seriously, after it was done, I really had to take a piss. I really, really, really, had to take a piss. Now if your a woman reading this right now, well number one, you cant respect the inability a man has when trytin' got take piss when his cock is in the towel rack position. Regardless, its hard to do, you get the picture. But of course, the girl went to the bathroom, because that's what they do after sex. So here I am, with my hand on my cock, trying to hold in one of the most epic pisses in my life.
Then it dawns on me... I can just go in the sink. Brilliant. So all I had to do is go to the kitchen and do my thing. Unfortunately, the logistics were flawed from the beginning. The counter is about level with my rod, so I had to go tippy-toe in order to get into firing position.
Talk about a feat of strengths... pissing with an erection alone is almost difficult- pissing with an erection on your tippy-toes is harder than Iron Man's erection.
So naturally the proverbial light goes off above my head, and I look down at the dishwasher. This was almost more convenient than a urinal. I opened the door, and let loose. By the time I heard her flush I was just about done... I closed the door and I was on my way. Maybe I should have set the dial to regular wash, since I already did the pre-wash cycle.....
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
Stalker Hatin'
Today the student directory at our school came out. It has all of our information, such as a mugshot, email address, postal address, phone number, etc...
Naturally a bunch of self centered bitches are pissed off as hell because all of their personal information is in it, and they think people are going to stalk them. Before I even go on, I have to quote my immediate reaction to this assumption...
"Bitch- you should be happy anyone even talks to you."
Lets run down your stalkable characteristics: 1) your a self absorbed bitch 2) your fat 3) your ugly 4) your annoying. --Yea that sounds like you have a lot to worry about. Perhaps I should mention that the info that is in the student directory was based on a form that we had to fill out and hand into the administrative office, and it explicitly said that your information on the form would go into the student directory.
Maybe I should add a 5th quality- stupid / ignorant (take your pick).
Here is some sound advice for you... unless you realize the world does not revolve around you, get on a treadmill, put on some makeup, shut your fucking mouth and read a book, you have nothing to worry about. Nobody wants to stalk you. If anything, we will reference your picture in the directory to prevent us from firing off a load in some random.
Naturally a bunch of self centered bitches are pissed off as hell because all of their personal information is in it, and they think people are going to stalk them. Before I even go on, I have to quote my immediate reaction to this assumption...
"Bitch- you should be happy anyone even talks to you."
Lets run down your stalkable characteristics: 1) your a self absorbed bitch 2) your fat 3) your ugly 4) your annoying. --Yea that sounds like you have a lot to worry about. Perhaps I should mention that the info that is in the student directory was based on a form that we had to fill out and hand into the administrative office, and it explicitly said that your information on the form would go into the student directory.
Maybe I should add a 5th quality- stupid / ignorant (take your pick).
Here is some sound advice for you... unless you realize the world does not revolve around you, get on a treadmill, put on some makeup, shut your fucking mouth and read a book, you have nothing to worry about. Nobody wants to stalk you. If anything, we will reference your picture in the directory to prevent us from firing off a load in some random.
Sunday, September 30, 2007
Pyschotic Hate (on me for a change)
This one came out of the blue.
About 1AM last night, my friend... we'll just say her name is Emily for argument's sake calls up. Only it wasn't 'Emily', rather it was her brother.
I could tell he was at a bar, because it was noisy in the background. I was taken back at first, but then I realized who it was. Now I have met this person a few times, and he is actually a straight shooter.
I suppose before I get into the psychotic outrage I need to preface the story. In a drunken stupor, I texted her something along the lines of, "Seriously, I'll fly you out here if you fuck me."
Despite the word seriously, I was only joking, as this was a good friend from college. Keep in mind this text was a few weeks ago.
He confronts me about it and I told him it was just a joke, only to be interrupted by talks about hunting me down and giving me a good beat down. Given the situation, I gave him the benefit of the doubt... that was his little sister, and if I read it I would be pissed too. So I gave up a little slack, only to take it away when he disregarded my apology and explanation of the obvious joke (plus that was the relationship we had, we mess around like that) I even told him I have a girlfriend, and I don't need to fly anyone out here to fuck me. Still no avail. More threats ensued. Eventually his rant got old and I hung up.
See, what upsets me is how people can act like Billy Bad-Ass and make empty threats because they got a few drinks in them, and they are 900 miles away. This isn't a game. Its not 1970 where you can get in a fight and go your separate ways. Fuck the kid's dad is an attorney, you would think he would pick up some shred of intelligence.
So 20 minutes later, I get a text, saying, "This is Mike. If u ever degrading to my sister again you're a dead man."
Yea that totally seems like an appropriate response to what happened. So if for some reason, I die, that is where you should look first. That and Joseph Hazlewood. I took some gin away from him.
Curious to note, however, that he read the text from her phone, witch leads me to believe she showed him. If that's the case, then I'm washing my hands clean from that shit. I need that like Timothy McVeigh's executor needed a power outage.
So I guess I got hated on pretty good. It was an interstate hate too. So congrats.
About 1AM last night, my friend... we'll just say her name is Emily for argument's sake calls up. Only it wasn't 'Emily', rather it was her brother.
I could tell he was at a bar, because it was noisy in the background. I was taken back at first, but then I realized who it was. Now I have met this person a few times, and he is actually a straight shooter.
I suppose before I get into the psychotic outrage I need to preface the story. In a drunken stupor, I texted her something along the lines of, "Seriously, I'll fly you out here if you fuck me."
Despite the word seriously, I was only joking, as this was a good friend from college. Keep in mind this text was a few weeks ago.
He confronts me about it and I told him it was just a joke, only to be interrupted by talks about hunting me down and giving me a good beat down. Given the situation, I gave him the benefit of the doubt... that was his little sister, and if I read it I would be pissed too. So I gave up a little slack, only to take it away when he disregarded my apology and explanation of the obvious joke (plus that was the relationship we had, we mess around like that) I even told him I have a girlfriend, and I don't need to fly anyone out here to fuck me. Still no avail. More threats ensued. Eventually his rant got old and I hung up.
See, what upsets me is how people can act like Billy Bad-Ass and make empty threats because they got a few drinks in them, and they are 900 miles away. This isn't a game. Its not 1970 where you can get in a fight and go your separate ways. Fuck the kid's dad is an attorney, you would think he would pick up some shred of intelligence.
So 20 minutes later, I get a text, saying, "This is Mike. If u ever degrading to my sister again you're a dead man."
Yea that totally seems like an appropriate response to what happened. So if for some reason, I die, that is where you should look first. That and Joseph Hazlewood. I took some gin away from him.
Curious to note, however, that he read the text from her phone, witch leads me to believe she showed him. If that's the case, then I'm washing my hands clean from that shit. I need that like Timothy McVeigh's executor needed a power outage.
So I guess I got hated on pretty good. It was an interstate hate too. So congrats.
Thursday, September 27, 2007
No Posts Do Not Mean No Hates....
Well its been a solid 2 months with no updates, and for that I apologize.
It seems as if I have entered a noble profession, so I am held to a higher standard of behavior. This may be, but there is still a lot of hate to go around... This is a good hate put on a kid who goes to University of Indiana (who is in the Big Ten), and decided to talk shit about beating WMU (who is in the MAC).
So naturally I had to do some polluting on facebook (because I'm 10): "Ok, Ok.....Lets talk shit about a Big 10 team beating a MAC team... That's about as good as a matchup as watching your dad beat your mom after he has been hanging out with Jack Daniels. Hey have fun being the bitch of the Big 10. Once Indiana goes to a bowl, instead of smoking one, you can talk shit. Mike, shouldn't you be harvesting corn right now?"
It seems as if I have entered a noble profession, so I am held to a higher standard of behavior. This may be, but there is still a lot of hate to go around... This is a good hate put on a kid who goes to University of Indiana (who is in the Big Ten), and decided to talk shit about beating WMU (who is in the MAC).
So naturally I had to do some polluting on facebook (because I'm 10): "Ok, Ok.....Lets talk shit about a Big 10 team beating a MAC team... That's about as good as a matchup as watching your dad beat your mom after he has been hanging out with Jack Daniels. Hey have fun being the bitch of the Big 10. Once Indiana goes to a bowl, instead of smoking one, you can talk shit. Mike, shouldn't you be harvesting corn right now?"
Monday, July 23, 2007
Weight Loss Hatin'
I'd like to take this opportunity to hate on all the people I work with that are on a diet, but for what reason or another, have not lost any weight in the 7 months I worked there.
I'm not hatin' because they are overweight, rather thier stupidity when it comes to thier weight loss efforts. Example- I work with someone who pays good money for a membership to SWAT, wakes up early in the morning to go swimming, spinning, and other types of good exercises, and then counts the calories on a box of fucking crackers, saying, "I cant eat this, it has 3g of fat," WHILE FUCKING EATING IT ANYWAY.
The main event is reserved for lunchtime, when they have people deliver (can't even get her ass off of their chair and walk to their car) fast food to her. Hey dip shit... the crackers your eating are fine, but put the fucking Big Mac down!!!
The best part- I get to hear every day about how sore they are from working out, like I should envy the fact your morning workout was more than cancelled out by what you ate for lunch. Seriously, there is a slight corollary to her and Ron Burgundy in Anchorman, "My arm hurts, because I did so many, I don’t know if you heard, but I was up to 1000".
I don't even need to hate on you, because you are hatin' on yourself. You spend at least $30 a month in a gym membership, at least $100 a month in fast food, and you sacrifice over 20 hours of sleep a month just so you can keep your molded pear shape. It is no wonder you can't manage a team, you can't even manage your weight.
Honestly….. here is the rundown of the meals by my boss this week for lunch
McDonalds- Monday
Arby’s- Tuesday
Taco Bell- Wednesday
And when someone calls her out, she has to say that her job is so demanding that she doesn't have time to get a good meal, as if subway is a fort night away. I translate that excuse as "I'm not good at my job, that's why I cant get shit done, that is why I have no time. If you in question are reading this, I really hope your tears fill you up so you wont have to make your employee's deliver you nasty food that will in turn stink up our workspace.
I'm not hatin' because they are overweight, rather thier stupidity when it comes to thier weight loss efforts. Example- I work with someone who pays good money for a membership to SWAT, wakes up early in the morning to go swimming, spinning, and other types of good exercises, and then counts the calories on a box of fucking crackers, saying, "I cant eat this, it has 3g of fat," WHILE FUCKING EATING IT ANYWAY.
The main event is reserved for lunchtime, when they have people deliver (can't even get her ass off of their chair and walk to their car) fast food to her. Hey dip shit... the crackers your eating are fine, but put the fucking Big Mac down!!!
The best part- I get to hear every day about how sore they are from working out, like I should envy the fact your morning workout was more than cancelled out by what you ate for lunch. Seriously, there is a slight corollary to her and Ron Burgundy in Anchorman, "My arm hurts, because I did so many, I don’t know if you heard, but I was up to 1000".
I don't even need to hate on you, because you are hatin' on yourself. You spend at least $30 a month in a gym membership, at least $100 a month in fast food, and you sacrifice over 20 hours of sleep a month just so you can keep your molded pear shape. It is no wonder you can't manage a team, you can't even manage your weight.
Honestly….. here is the rundown of the meals by my boss this week for lunch
McDonalds- Monday
Arby’s- Tuesday
Taco Bell- Wednesday
And when someone calls her out, she has to say that her job is so demanding that she doesn't have time to get a good meal, as if subway is a fort night away. I translate that excuse as "I'm not good at my job, that's why I cant get shit done, that is why I have no time. If you in question are reading this, I really hope your tears fill you up so you wont have to make your employee's deliver you nasty food that will in turn stink up our workspace.
Sunday, July 15, 2007
Tramp Stamp Hatin'
Oh you have a tatoo on your back.... cool. oh and it's some pink stars and shit. I've never seen that on the small of a persons back. Thats very original.....
Friday, July 13, 2007
You Pissed On My Floor....
Taken from craigslist this afternoon...
So I know things weren't going well. I tried to break up nicely a lot of times. I really didn't want to hurt you, but neither of us were happy. We were both miserable in fact. I'm sorry it didn't work out. It would have been lovely if we had both fallen madly and passionately in love- but we didn't. It needed to end. All of that, however doesn't explain why YOU PISSED ON MY FLOOR and then you left.
I called to see if you had somehow slipped. I was hoping there was an explanation. You hung up on me. I'm pretty sure that means you deliberately PISSED ON MY FLOOR i don't even know what to say to that. I don't know what to think. I'm not sure I can protect your dignity anymore.
I need to tell everyone, because it's so fucking crazy. YOU PISSED ON MY FLOOR. I have a new rule in my apartment now. Its the NO PISSING ON THE FLOOR RULE. it goes like this- DON'T PISS ON MY FUCKING FLOOR. thanks for a good laugh though. It's so much better than the cliche shit that ends way too many relationships.
I'm sure the next time I break up with someone, I'll be saying AT LEAST HE DIDNT PISS ON MY FLOOR.
So I know things weren't going well. I tried to break up nicely a lot of times. I really didn't want to hurt you, but neither of us were happy. We were both miserable in fact. I'm sorry it didn't work out. It would have been lovely if we had both fallen madly and passionately in love- but we didn't. It needed to end. All of that, however doesn't explain why YOU PISSED ON MY FLOOR and then you left.
I called to see if you had somehow slipped. I was hoping there was an explanation. You hung up on me. I'm pretty sure that means you deliberately PISSED ON MY FLOOR i don't even know what to say to that. I don't know what to think. I'm not sure I can protect your dignity anymore.
I need to tell everyone, because it's so fucking crazy. YOU PISSED ON MY FLOOR. I have a new rule in my apartment now. Its the NO PISSING ON THE FLOOR RULE. it goes like this- DON'T PISS ON MY FUCKING FLOOR. thanks for a good laugh though. It's so much better than the cliche shit that ends way too many relationships.
I'm sure the next time I break up with someone, I'll be saying AT LEAST HE DIDNT PISS ON MY FLOOR.
Thursday, June 28, 2007
Craigslist Hatin' Part 1
So I was talking to my Friend Ryan, who was lookin to lock up with some dirty ass in NY. He was on craigslist, and saw a person who was willing to do 'anything' for an iPhone. This girl was nice enough to post pictures of her double d tits and say as long as your not psycho you can do anything to her for an hour for a phone. That's special. So that got me to looking at some other people's profile.
I started to notice a trend.
All the fat people posting personal ads make sure they put, 'must be attractive' or 'must be in shape'. Bitches, you are on the bottom of the fucking dating food chain by trying to get ass on the net, and your fat as fuck. How dare you ask for your partner to be anything. Your ad should read, I'm fat, ill take what I can get.
There should be some kind of option on these sites where you have to get your weight verified by a notary and you can filter based on exact weight.
And to the girls out there who try to look smart by writing their trailer trash, only to look up every other word on the thesaurus, transforming, "I just want to find a rich guy who will fuck me and spend all his money on me, and ill occasionally make the bed (that I slept in)" to, "I'm looking for a refined gentleman, with class and poise that knows how to spoil his companion and make a girl feel important, and in return I will cater to all your desires," let me just say FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. You are a whore, and you are just looking for a sugar daddy.
In my book, honesty is the best policy. I would rather you say that you are gold digger looking for an expensive meal, valet service and to cream some 600 thread sheets than to lie to me. At least that way I can plan the dine and dash before we get to the restaurant.
I started to notice a trend.
All the fat people posting personal ads make sure they put, 'must be attractive' or 'must be in shape'. Bitches, you are on the bottom of the fucking dating food chain by trying to get ass on the net, and your fat as fuck. How dare you ask for your partner to be anything. Your ad should read, I'm fat, ill take what I can get.
There should be some kind of option on these sites where you have to get your weight verified by a notary and you can filter based on exact weight.
And to the girls out there who try to look smart by writing their trailer trash, only to look up every other word on the thesaurus, transforming, "I just want to find a rich guy who will fuck me and spend all his money on me, and ill occasionally make the bed (that I slept in)" to, "I'm looking for a refined gentleman, with class and poise that knows how to spoil his companion and make a girl feel important, and in return I will cater to all your desires," let me just say FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. You are a whore, and you are just looking for a sugar daddy.
In my book, honesty is the best policy. I would rather you say that you are gold digger looking for an expensive meal, valet service and to cream some 600 thread sheets than to lie to me. At least that way I can plan the dine and dash before we get to the restaurant.
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
Lack of Hate
Its been a solid week without any legitimate hatin'. I dont know what to tell you. I think on off-hate weeks I will just have to cultivate some old hatin' stories.
The best hate I have today is when some welfare rat i work with tried to tell me where to go and how to get there. Here is the conversation. I realize it't not the best, but its the best I have.
I hated on a co-worker by telling outing her in front of everyone else by saying:
"Im pretty sure this has always been the case since day one. Perhaps paying attention would pan out for you."
That sparked an email debate with her disgusting whore freind coming to her defene. We will just call her hofosho.
[hofosho] Maybe if you could take a second and read her email…..I am pretty sure that she is not indicating that she was under the impression that we needed them for all accounts. It sounds more like she is simply stating, for those who may have some confusion, if the account is over 90 days then we don’t need them. Maybe before jumping the gun and questioning her intelligence it would pay to read things more thoroughly.
[me] Im sorry? I don’t speak spanish
[hofosho] What’s the matter you can dish it out, but you cant take it back?
[me] Dish it, I got plenty of Tupperware.
[hofosho] I just think that the comment you made was kind of pointless, she never said or implied that she didn’t know that, you just assumed and sent some smart ass reply back that made no sense. So in the end instead of making her look stupid, you just made yourself look stupid. That’s all. Don’t take offense to it please, I don’t mean it that way. But if you can send out remarks like that about other people then you should be able to take it back.
[me] Thanks for the coaching
[hofosho] If that’s how you want to take it
[me] perhaps instead of talkin c-game trash, you should do something more productive, how about going to save-a-lot and getting your diapers off of layway.
The best hate I have today is when some welfare rat i work with tried to tell me where to go and how to get there. Here is the conversation. I realize it't not the best, but its the best I have.
I hated on a co-worker by telling outing her in front of everyone else by saying:
"Im pretty sure this has always been the case since day one. Perhaps paying attention would pan out for you."
That sparked an email debate with her disgusting whore freind coming to her defene. We will just call her hofosho.
[hofosho] Maybe if you could take a second and read her email…..I am pretty sure that she is not indicating that she was under the impression that we needed them for all accounts. It sounds more like she is simply stating, for those who may have some confusion, if the account is over 90 days then we don’t need them. Maybe before jumping the gun and questioning her intelligence it would pay to read things more thoroughly.
[me] Im sorry? I don’t speak spanish
[hofosho] What’s the matter you can dish it out, but you cant take it back?
[me] Dish it, I got plenty of Tupperware.
[hofosho] I just think that the comment you made was kind of pointless, she never said or implied that she didn’t know that, you just assumed and sent some smart ass reply back that made no sense. So in the end instead of making her look stupid, you just made yourself look stupid. That’s all. Don’t take offense to it please, I don’t mean it that way. But if you can send out remarks like that about other people then you should be able to take it back.
[me] Thanks for the coaching
[hofosho] If that’s how you want to take it
[me] perhaps instead of talkin c-game trash, you should do something more productive, how about going to save-a-lot and getting your diapers off of layway.
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