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Username: jucipher
Monday, June 8, 2009
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Hate of Epic Proportions...
The most prolific hate happened to me this weekend, and it's one hell of a tale. It all started about six months ago when I attempted to find a date for my brothers wedding. I really just wanted to fire off a few loads in some local, so I placed an ad on craigslist trying to do just that.
Not to my surprise, I received a large amount of responses from what we would call trolls up here. This was a devastating blow to my own self esteem. It reflected poorly on myself that the best I could do was these girls who are in my DQ category (deuce and a quarter, figure it out). It is surprising how people with no teeth can still be overweight. However, there were two diamonds in the ruff that fell above the hot-crazy line.*
Not only were these girls good looking, my preliminary "interview" indicated they would both be DTF. I kept close contact with both girls, and like a presidential primary, one rose to the front of the pack. Lets just call the front runner "College Undergrad Needing Tenderness" or CUNT for short. CUNT flaked out right before the wedding, which is another story all in itself. However the real story here is for the first runner up, who I will call Texas Woman And Tot (she had a kid) or TWAT. Just to make sure everyone is on the same page, we are talking about TWAT and not CUNT.
Since CUNT bailed on me, it didn't really give me a chance to get TWAT to come to the wedding, however, she was in the same city that we were staying in. The night of the wedding she was at a bar that was on the way home, but my two good friends cock-blocked me and said they wanted to go home so they could test the screws in the bed frame. At this point I would like to give a special 'fuck you' to those two involved. You know who you are.
Lets be clear. TWAT wanted D in the A, this was clear from the beginning, and I had arranged to pick her up from the bar, but I ended up falling asleep and she eventually drove home with her friends.
Despite this missed opportunity, I stayed in close contact with TWAT and didn't fall under the "Stacy Mendoza diagonal". I was doing my thing where I talk mad shit until they need to take some pledge to their wooden seats... I eventually cashed in some frequent flyer miles, and the next thing you know she was bound for NYC.
This is where the real story begins, and most of it is supplemented by a series of text messages that coincide with the narration.
The day is November 6, the day before she is supposed to fly out. She claimed that she was feeling a little sick, but stated "Hopefully I'm better [tommorrow]. I'm coming no matter what, you will just have to deal with me being sick." This was a minor setback, and all I could think of was having to empty out puke buckets while giving this girl the reverse 180 sandpiper.
November 7 rolls around, and she is on the road to San Antonio (from Corpus Christi). All is well. Then she indicates to me that her flight is late, and she wont be on time. I verified the information. All is well. A few hours later, she texts me from Houston, indicating that the flight to NYC is now delayed. I verified this information. All is well. The plane was supposed to land at 6:00, but ended up being delayed until 6:40. I got in my car at 5pm, and ran into one of the most epic traffic jams on 495, making my 40 minute drive to LGA close to two hours.
I sent out a text at 6:55, "Hello." Nothing. 7:30, Hello... Anything." Nothing. Then I pull out of
the parking area (so I wouldn't get murdered by some 60-year old woman who got out of her car, and got in my face because I took her spot).
At 7:30 I received a text from her. "where are you, my phone is about to die," leading me to believe that she was indeed at LGA. I responded by telling her that I had to go across the street, but I would be there in less than five minutes. No response.
7:40 Here
7:42 I'm under the Spirit Air Sign
8:21 ?Que
8:22 Are you here, whats going on?
8:39 I cant get through on your phone, I'm not getting any calls or texts if your trying
At this point I think that her phone is dead, and she has no idea where I am, so I left a message on her voicemail with my phone number, so she could get in contact with me. I continued to wait, and 9pm rolls around. Nothing. I make phone calls every 10 minutes.
9:27 I have no idea where you could be I have been in the same spot since 745"930 "Dude, I cant wait here all night, I'm gonna leave at 10
Despite being a complete jackass and the worst person in the world when it comes to women, I didn't really have the balls to leave the airport at 10 as threatened. In reality, I didn't want to get home and have to make that drive back again. I left at 10:05.
10:05 I'm going back home, my phone is almost dead call me when you can it's an hour drive
10:21 Where are you
10:33 Seriously, WTF is going on
At this point I called her phone, and it rang differently, meaning I was probably sent to voicemail, meaning her phone wasn't dead, meaning I was thinking WTF.
11:13 Are you sending me to voicemail, I'm starting to get pissed"1115 "Are you serious right now
Now I am just flat out pissed. Where the fuck is TWAT. The following texts may make me look like a stalker, but I was furious, and wanted to know what was going on.
11:32 I don't know what to tell you right now
11:33 What
11:34 The
11:35 Fuck
12:43 WHERE ARE YOU!!!!
12:44 Are you alive
1:18 Doooode
1:19 Hello
1:20 What the fuck
2:35 Hello
2:36 Not cool
2:37 There is no reason why you couldn't have called
2:38 I'm gonna call the police to make sure you are OK
It was at this point, I thought she was full of shit, so that was why I said "I'm gonna call the police" In reality, the whole logistics of calling them and explaining what was going on seemed to taxing on me at 3am, so I said fuck it. These problems usually fix themselves. I was just a little pissed that I had invested a whole Friday chasing TWAT around.
The sun comes up. Despite the fact that I had potentially caused a single mother to come to the biggest US, and she is potentially in the process of being raped and murdered, I slept pretty well. I started using fabric softener for my sheets, I think that made the difference.
I realized that I had some work to do so I got on the horn, and sent out some more text messages pretty much reciting the same sequence again. No beans. Then alas, at 10:10, I get a message "This phone has been turned into the airport lost and found. Please contact the owner if possible."
Seemed pretty legit, so I didn't question it. "Thank you," I said, "I don't know how to contact her, she is visiting me, her name is [TWAT] if that helps you."
"Do you have any Idea where she is staying? I am not really supposed to make any contact from the phone but I saw that you were trying to contact her a lot so I felt bad for you. I will hold it here."
I gave the cell phone a rest now... It was clear that it would not prove fruitful. But I did feel pretty shitty so I did contact the port authority for advice, who in turn gave me the airlines phone number. I couldn't get through for several hours, because I ended up having the wrong number. SO in the meantime, I got on facebook, looked up TWAT's friend and sent her a message to see if I could get any corroboration with the story. Apparently I got her sister (or close friend, I have no idea really). She had no idea WTF was going on, and was very apprehensive about what was going on. She was completely in the dark in her response, so I filled her in.
Eventually I got ahold of the airline, and the wall started to come down. The person on the phone told me that TWAT never went from Houston to NYC. Furthermore, she never got on the plane in SAT. So now I am furious. What is going on, the airport has the phone, but the airline says the person never got on. Something is fishy. I put in all the chips, and told her sister that I was filing a missing person report, and that the NYPD and port authority were canvassing the area looking for her.
Moments later, I get a call from a random number, that was the same area code as TWAT. No answer. Then I called the number back, and it was a dude named Mark, who "dialed the wrong number." Bullshit. I text TWAT's phone, "Why would mark call me with the same area code as you and then say wrong number?"
Then it really came down. "Look she is fine, she doesn't want to talk to you, leave her alone and stop bothering her friends."
I was stunned, not what I was expecting. I was thinking Ashton Kutcher was gonna come around the corner and tell me I was punk'd
10 minutes later, that strange number with the same area code as TWAT calls again, turns out it was her sister. She was inquisitive to say the least, and was treating me like I was a stalker, to which point I had to flip the script on her interrogation. My ass wasn't on trial here... There was no way that after the last 24 hours I was gonna be put on the stand.
Turns out that TWAT really is a twat. She is a compulsive liar, and told her sister that she had a conference in NYC, but then it got moved to Austin, and was constantly going deeper and deeper in the lie. This is nothing new for this girl though. Ironically, her sister warms up very fast to me, and even offered to buy me a drink, (and eventually dinner) next time I am in TX.
Needless to say, this was the biggest hate of all time on me. I had to respect the level of hate levied my way. I had to recoup, so I called her a few hours later. Instead of being a complete asscock like I should have, I was very "sympathetic". Long story short, she felt bad for "chickening out" and stated that her sister is not to be trusted, and that she always steals men away from her (funny that's what her sister said about her). She ended up writing a check for $350, the cost of the ticket (0r so I told her).
I guess that's what you get for trying to hook up on craigslist.
*I suppose it is worthy of explaining the hot-crazy line. A girl is permitted to be crazy, as long as she is equally hot. There is a positive one-to-one correlation for this, representing a straight upward line (called the Stacy Mendoza diagonal). If a girl is not that hot, she isn't permitted to be that crazy. However, a girl who is remarkably gorgeous, is permitted to be off the reservation.
Not to my surprise, I received a large amount of responses from what we would call trolls up here. This was a devastating blow to my own self esteem. It reflected poorly on myself that the best I could do was these girls who are in my DQ category (deuce and a quarter, figure it out). It is surprising how people with no teeth can still be overweight. However, there were two diamonds in the ruff that fell above the hot-crazy line.*
Not only were these girls good looking, my preliminary "interview" indicated they would both be DTF. I kept close contact with both girls, and like a presidential primary, one rose to the front of the pack. Lets just call the front runner "College Undergrad Needing Tenderness" or CUNT for short. CUNT flaked out right before the wedding, which is another story all in itself. However the real story here is for the first runner up, who I will call Texas Woman And Tot (she had a kid) or TWAT. Just to make sure everyone is on the same page, we are talking about TWAT and not CUNT.
Since CUNT bailed on me, it didn't really give me a chance to get TWAT to come to the wedding, however, she was in the same city that we were staying in. The night of the wedding she was at a bar that was on the way home, but my two good friends cock-blocked me and said they wanted to go home so they could test the screws in the bed frame. At this point I would like to give a special 'fuck you' to those two involved. You know who you are.
Lets be clear. TWAT wanted D in the A, this was clear from the beginning, and I had arranged to pick her up from the bar, but I ended up falling asleep and she eventually drove home with her friends.
Despite this missed opportunity, I stayed in close contact with TWAT and didn't fall under the "Stacy Mendoza diagonal". I was doing my thing where I talk mad shit until they need to take some pledge to their wooden seats... I eventually cashed in some frequent flyer miles, and the next thing you know she was bound for NYC.
This is where the real story begins, and most of it is supplemented by a series of text messages that coincide with the narration.
The day is November 6, the day before she is supposed to fly out. She claimed that she was feeling a little sick, but stated "Hopefully I'm better [tommorrow]. I'm coming no matter what, you will just have to deal with me being sick." This was a minor setback, and all I could think of was having to empty out puke buckets while giving this girl the reverse 180 sandpiper.
November 7 rolls around, and she is on the road to San Antonio (from Corpus Christi). All is well. Then she indicates to me that her flight is late, and she wont be on time. I verified the information. All is well. A few hours later, she texts me from Houston, indicating that the flight to NYC is now delayed. I verified this information. All is well. The plane was supposed to land at 6:00, but ended up being delayed until 6:40. I got in my car at 5pm, and ran into one of the most epic traffic jams on 495, making my 40 minute drive to LGA close to two hours.
I sent out a text at 6:55, "Hello." Nothing. 7:30, Hello... Anything." Nothing. Then I pull out of
the parking area (so I wouldn't get murdered by some 60-year old woman who got out of her car, and got in my face because I took her spot).
At 7:30 I received a text from her. "where are you, my phone is about to die," leading me to believe that she was indeed at LGA. I responded by telling her that I had to go across the street, but I would be there in less than five minutes. No response.
7:40 Here
7:42 I'm under the Spirit Air Sign
8:21 ?Que
8:22 Are you here, whats going on?
8:39 I cant get through on your phone, I'm not getting any calls or texts if your trying
At this point I think that her phone is dead, and she has no idea where I am, so I left a message on her voicemail with my phone number, so she could get in contact with me. I continued to wait, and 9pm rolls around. Nothing. I make phone calls every 10 minutes.
9:27 I have no idea where you could be I have been in the same spot since 745"930 "Dude, I cant wait here all night, I'm gonna leave at 10
Despite being a complete jackass and the worst person in the world when it comes to women, I didn't really have the balls to leave the airport at 10 as threatened. In reality, I didn't want to get home and have to make that drive back again. I left at 10:05.
10:05 I'm going back home, my phone is almost dead call me when you can it's an hour drive
10:21 Where are you
10:33 Seriously, WTF is going on
At this point I called her phone, and it rang differently, meaning I was probably sent to voicemail, meaning her phone wasn't dead, meaning I was thinking WTF.
11:13 Are you sending me to voicemail, I'm starting to get pissed"1115 "Are you serious right now
Now I am just flat out pissed. Where the fuck is TWAT. The following texts may make me look like a stalker, but I was furious, and wanted to know what was going on.
11:32 I don't know what to tell you right now
11:33 What
11:34 The
11:35 Fuck
12:43 WHERE ARE YOU!!!!
12:44 Are you alive
1:18 Doooode
1:19 Hello
1:20 What the fuck
2:35 Hello
2:36 Not cool
2:37 There is no reason why you couldn't have called
2:38 I'm gonna call the police to make sure you are OK
It was at this point, I thought she was full of shit, so that was why I said "I'm gonna call the police" In reality, the whole logistics of calling them and explaining what was going on seemed to taxing on me at 3am, so I said fuck it. These problems usually fix themselves. I was just a little pissed that I had invested a whole Friday chasing TWAT around.
The sun comes up. Despite the fact that I had potentially caused a single mother to come to the biggest US, and she is potentially in the process of being raped and murdered, I slept pretty well. I started using fabric softener for my sheets, I think that made the difference.
I realized that I had some work to do so I got on the horn, and sent out some more text messages pretty much reciting the same sequence again. No beans. Then alas, at 10:10, I get a message "This phone has been turned into the airport lost and found. Please contact the owner if possible."
Seemed pretty legit, so I didn't question it. "Thank you," I said, "I don't know how to contact her, she is visiting me, her name is [TWAT] if that helps you."
"Do you have any Idea where she is staying? I am not really supposed to make any contact from the phone but I saw that you were trying to contact her a lot so I felt bad for you. I will hold it here."
I gave the cell phone a rest now... It was clear that it would not prove fruitful. But I did feel pretty shitty so I did contact the port authority for advice, who in turn gave me the airlines phone number. I couldn't get through for several hours, because I ended up having the wrong number. SO in the meantime, I got on facebook, looked up TWAT's friend and sent her a message to see if I could get any corroboration with the story. Apparently I got her sister (or close friend, I have no idea really). She had no idea WTF was going on, and was very apprehensive about what was going on. She was completely in the dark in her response, so I filled her in.
Eventually I got ahold of the airline, and the wall started to come down. The person on the phone told me that TWAT never went from Houston to NYC. Furthermore, she never got on the plane in SAT. So now I am furious. What is going on, the airport has the phone, but the airline says the person never got on. Something is fishy. I put in all the chips, and told her sister that I was filing a missing person report, and that the NYPD and port authority were canvassing the area looking for her.
Moments later, I get a call from a random number, that was the same area code as TWAT. No answer. Then I called the number back, and it was a dude named Mark, who "dialed the wrong number." Bullshit. I text TWAT's phone, "Why would mark call me with the same area code as you and then say wrong number?"
Then it really came down. "Look she is fine, she doesn't want to talk to you, leave her alone and stop bothering her friends."
I was stunned, not what I was expecting. I was thinking Ashton Kutcher was gonna come around the corner and tell me I was punk'd
10 minutes later, that strange number with the same area code as TWAT calls again, turns out it was her sister. She was inquisitive to say the least, and was treating me like I was a stalker, to which point I had to flip the script on her interrogation. My ass wasn't on trial here... There was no way that after the last 24 hours I was gonna be put on the stand.
Turns out that TWAT really is a twat. She is a compulsive liar, and told her sister that she had a conference in NYC, but then it got moved to Austin, and was constantly going deeper and deeper in the lie. This is nothing new for this girl though. Ironically, her sister warms up very fast to me, and even offered to buy me a drink, (and eventually dinner) next time I am in TX.
Needless to say, this was the biggest hate of all time on me. I had to respect the level of hate levied my way. I had to recoup, so I called her a few hours later. Instead of being a complete asscock like I should have, I was very "sympathetic". Long story short, she felt bad for "chickening out" and stated that her sister is not to be trusted, and that she always steals men away from her (funny that's what her sister said about her). She ended up writing a check for $350, the cost of the ticket (0r so I told her).
I guess that's what you get for trying to hook up on craigslist.
*I suppose it is worthy of explaining the hot-crazy line. A girl is permitted to be crazy, as long as she is equally hot. There is a positive one-to-one correlation for this, representing a straight upward line (called the Stacy Mendoza diagonal). If a girl is not that hot, she isn't permitted to be that crazy. However, a girl who is remarkably gorgeous, is permitted to be off the reservation.
Saturday, October 4, 2008
Government Bailout - YES to Inflation!
Who said inflation is bad. With this new government bailout package, the reserve is going to print more money thus devaluing the already devalued dollar.
The good news -- im up to my asshole in debt, and all of that debt is at fixed levels. So my debt of 120k is at todays dollars, when I repay it, it will be worth substantially less. The banks are going to get fucked even harder than they already are!
Yay to inflation!
The good news -- im up to my asshole in debt, and all of that debt is at fixed levels. So my debt of 120k is at todays dollars, when I repay it, it will be worth substantially less. The banks are going to get fucked even harder than they already are!
Yay to inflation!
Some clarification
Just because our society is getting fatter and fatter by the day, this does not mean we have to lax our standards on what constitutes as fat.
Just for the record.
Skinny = Underweight, under the normal weight you should be.
Average = within a few (3) lbs. of what the normal weight should be. (when I say normal weight, its what BMI index is, not what you think 'normal' is.
A few extra lbs. = just what it says "A few extra lbs"!!! This means 3-5 lbs over what the average is. I would even go high as 8, but we are definitely not talking double digits here.
Curvy = A few extra lbs, but in the right places. Vague, yes, but still should not be abused. For example, if you say you are curvy, you cant have FUPA (look it up) When you hold your arm out, the fat that droops down should not have the same tangent of a 12 lb. bowling ball.
I hope this clears the record for a lot of people out there. Curvy = Curvy, not round.
Just for the record.
Skinny = Underweight, under the normal weight you should be.
Average = within a few (3) lbs. of what the normal weight should be. (when I say normal weight, its what BMI index is, not what you think 'normal' is.
A few extra lbs. = just what it says "A few extra lbs"!!! This means 3-5 lbs over what the average is. I would even go high as 8, but we are definitely not talking double digits here.
Curvy = A few extra lbs, but in the right places. Vague, yes, but still should not be abused. For example, if you say you are curvy, you cant have FUPA (look it up) When you hold your arm out, the fat that droops down should not have the same tangent of a 12 lb. bowling ball.
I hope this clears the record for a lot of people out there. Curvy = Curvy, not round.
Standing in the 10 item or less line at Target.
Here I sit, in line at target. I have some hi liters for school and some treats for the dog. Some lady is in front of me, with about 40 items. Normally that in itself would piss me off, but this was a special occasion. After about the fifth item, she would ask "how much does this cost" as she gave it to the cashier. "12.99," she would say... "I dont want that," the customer would retort. This went on for about five minutes. I wanted to pull up a chair.
The worst part was the eight-year-old kid who saw all of his school clothes go by the wayside because his deadbeat parents broke the bank by buying the blue-ray version of 'Soul Plane'.
The moment of redemption-- The cashier, literally said hold on, walked to a different checkout counter, turned on the light, and checked me out, and then went back to this person. I think deep down inside she wanted to beat that woman with a Toblerone bar.
This is why I vote Republican.
The worst part was the eight-year-old kid who saw all of his school clothes go by the wayside because his deadbeat parents broke the bank by buying the blue-ray version of 'Soul Plane'.
The moment of redemption-- The cashier, literally said hold on, walked to a different checkout counter, turned on the light, and checked me out, and then went back to this person. I think deep down inside she wanted to beat that woman with a Toblerone bar.
This is why I vote Republican.
Monday, June 2, 2008
Best of craigslist today
Just got my stimulus check. I want to:
1. Take you out to dinner
2. Screw you all night
(doesnt have to be in that order) Will give pictures upon receiving yours. dont be spam or have the hep.
Im pretty sure GWB would be fine with this....
1. Take you out to dinner
2. Screw you all night
(doesnt have to be in that order) Will give pictures upon receiving yours. dont be spam or have the hep.
Im pretty sure GWB would be fine with this....
Sunday, May 18, 2008
My Fetish
An old disgusting Ex: Whatever, you know you always come back begging for me
ME: Oh yea thats right, I forgot about my fetish of cigarette stained fingers and cellulite. My bad.
ME: Oh yea thats right, I forgot about my fetish of cigarette stained fingers and cellulite. My bad.
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